What would you do if you were the most powerful person in the room?
For a long time now, I’ve been praying for a gentle and quiet spirit. From the beginning of TIME, my parents and relatives would tell me to be more feminine. To be a composed, calm and collected woman (aka see mun). Well, I failed since the moment I was born. When I wouldn’t open my eyes for 3 whole days and would cry like a baby cub who suffered lack of love from the mother bear and from hunger. I guess I’ve been spoiled and emotional since young hahaha… Oh was I ever trouble. But even as I was growing up, I laughed LOUD like a hyena (for the lack of a better metaphor), I climbed up drawers in the kitchen and washroom only to fall down and bruise all my extremities, I would wrestle with the boy cousins while the girls were playing with Barbie dolls… One time, I was so disobedient, I was jumping on the bed, got my foot caught under the wood piece on the head of the bed, and ended up scraping the skin off my whole foot. Man, did I scream… Ah there was so much blood. I remember my dad coming in to the room hahaha I can still see the look on his face, and yup, he was angry. It’s funny because he used to be so scary like that, but through thick and thin, I’ve come to know my dad as a friendly giant rather than one to be feared (though sometimes he can still be scary). Anyways, I was a pretty bad kid. I guess the only thing that would be more stereotypically girly would be how emotional and sensitive I was and still am. But no one in the family really liked that. Maybe that’s why I hate it so much too.
Before I knew God, a series of events happened that really changed me. From the outgoing, carefree, push-over I was to an independent, firm, and intimidating person. Even going to church, the laughter, the carefree-ness, the fun person everyone thought me to be was, at most times, an act. I’m sorry everyone… I guess upon arriving to ECCC was the first time in a long time since I had been around so many people, given my depression and anxiety. Nevertheless, it was the first time people had seen me since I had changed, and I wasn’t about to allow anyone see my weaknesses. Well, that meant chaos. Merciless, straightforward, careless words… Eventually, I knew it was wrong. Even before starting a relationship, it was something I knew I needed to work on - not allowing my emotions to control me but to control my emotions. I guess that’s what it means to me to have a gentle and quiet spirit. Hahaha thinking back to the beginning of my relationship, I desperately FAILED at having a gentle and quiet spirit. I complained about this, I nagged about that… Everything I did and said was emotionally-driven. (Ah neh, I’m so sorry…). The most amazing thing was that although I was lacking so much, I continued to receive forgiveness and grace. Let me share some examples.
My dad… After my parents’ divorce, I was so angry at my dad. You can imagine an outrageous, emotional Jo yelling and fighting with my dad. (tis true). For about a year too. But when I realized my mistakes (THANK YOU GOD), I went back to my dad and was accepted with open arms. To this day, he won’t understand why I was so angry with him, but I’m humbled for he was not angry at all. Rather, he loved me even more…
My aunt. From the day I was born until now, my aunt has been the most loving person I have in my life. From changing my diapers to feeding me, to still cooking for me today, and forgiving me for my spontaneous emotional uproars. I have been so touched by her because she truly is a gracious and loving person. And by love I mean calling me and telling me to go over so that she can cook for me… Calling me to tell me that she misses me after not seeing me as much as she’d like to. Such a gentle woman. I cry right now. GAH.
Nehemiah… Since the beginning of our relationship, I never gave him an easy time… “You don’t do this” “ugh you never do this” “how are we even in a relationship?!?!?!” HAHAHA oh boy, I’m so bad. But each and every time, he never got angry at me. He tried and tried, and even though I would say “I CAN’T EVEN TELL THAT YOU’RE TRYING”, he’d just take it and keep trying. He was forgiving, and he really tried to make the relationship work. I was ignorant and stubborn to see his efforts. I’m sorry :(
So you get the idea. I’m a spoiled, good for nothing, unappreciative, unloving brat. It’s true. The only difference now is that God has been slowly and surely doing a great work in my heart. I’m starting to be able to swallow my emotions and pride and talk with gentleness and with an attitude of trying to work things out. Slowly and surely, I can see the changes, and I give all praise to God! :’) I have stumbled a few times, but God had revealed it to me, and I would apologize to those people who suffered a Jo attack. Thank You God for helping me see those moments where I was ignorant and unreasonable.
So what if a relationship is working out for me now? What if something just doesn’t seem to be going the way I want it to. It’s time to be the bigger person… Not by doing what seems right (or by my own strength) but by doing what God has put in your heart to do with his strength! :):):) I know what I would do if I were the most powerful person in the room. The question is: what would you do if you were the most powerful person in the room?
Maybe it’s time to give up something you’ve been holding on to so that you CAN become the most powerful person in the room.
"And Samuel said to all the house of Israel, ‘If you are returning to the Lord with all your heart, then put away the foreign gods and the Ashtaroth from among you and direct your heart to the Lord and serve him only, and he will deliver you out of the hand of the Philistines.’” 1 Samuel 7:3
"My God, you are good. Your promises steady, Your faithfulness true. My heart sings with great joy to feel the love you pour onto me. Many times my wicked ways cause others to stumble, but you quickly restore so that I may be transformed. My eyes release tears and my heart aches when things seem to progress to the worst. Yet You calm me. You show me that the things of this world change, but You, O Lord, You are unchanging. Faithful God, let me remember all that You have done and all that You have said. I pray for a heart that comes in full submission to You, a heart that is satisfied with all that You have given. I pray that I will follow when You call, and I pray that I will do as You find pleasing. Thank You, Father! I shall fight for You because I love You. I shall not be ignorant, but I shall be good for I know that I have found favor in your eyes, God. You have dealt so kindly with Your servant, so let me deal kindly with others. Amen."